FOR FUCK SAKE I AM THIRTY ONE YEARS OLD AND THIS SHIT SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING IT SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING ANYMORE AND IT SHOULD NOT BE BOTHERING ME ANYMORE BECAUSE I AM THIRTY ONE YEARS OLD FOR FUCK SAKE AND THIS SHIT SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING.
but it is happening and it bothers me and it hurts. it fucking hurts. and it bothers me that it hurts.
and i don't deserve this shit because no one deserves this shit.
and it has taken control away from me and i hate it. and i want to not feel sad when they are mean. and i want to drink tea in a warm bed and never have to see them again. and i want to get angry and LETEMHAVEIT. and i want them to find a new victim. and i feel the worst about those thoughts, the 'not me' thoughts, because that makes me a really shitty person.
i should be mature about this. i should be wise and know how to handle this. i should DON'T LET IT BOTHER YA, HONEY. THEY'RE JUST JEALOUS OF YOU. but we all know it's not true.
they are not jealous. they are bitches. and i know because i have been them. maybe not with the same intent but at some point in my life i have used my comfort in a group, my knowledge of and security in my place in the heirarchy, or my bad mood, or something, some power i had in a moment, to make someone else sad, or uncomfortable or just feel like shit.
and i am so sorry for that.
i am so fucking sorry.